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  1. 13th October 2017 / 11:52

    Very well said! You’re a great figurehead for all of us ‘trailing spouses’ – good for you for having the confidence to stick up for your life decisions and helping others to understand them a bit more too xxx

    • admin
      13th October 2017 / 12:35

      Thanks Polly! It’s a bit of a putting myself out there post tbh – everyone has an opinion so it’s a bit of a polarizing one. Xx

  2. 14th October 2017 / 09:33

    Great post! I loved the part about ‘Assumptions’. The stereotype overshadows the fact, that there in fact might be struggles internally one faces, that people are not aware of.

    • admin
      14th October 2017 / 09:46

      We all do it don’t we? Important to try not to though.

  3. Victoria
    16th October 2017 / 11:22

    Oh this rings so true. Thank you for writing this, it doesn’t make me feel so alone! Being an ex-pat wife has more ups than downs, but those downs can go pretty deep sometimes.

    • admin
      16th October 2017 / 11:46

      Thank you for reading! I got even more annoyed as I wrote the post. I mean so what if I was a lady of leisure? It’s no one else’s business but my own!!!! I’m so glad that it has been resonating with people.

  4. 16th October 2017 / 11:55

    This topic resonates with me a lot at the moment and I agree that it is a difficult one to tackle. There ares so many facets to it but the bottom line is that if you are a parent and there are 2 of you and if one of you doesn’t work in a different place (other than home) and is around with the kids and does all the drop offs and pick ups, than that person will be the one that picks up the slack lol. I completely agree that we cannot know for sure what goes on in another family, why they’re doing what they’re dong, so the best thing to do “not to judge them”.
    I was in paid employment, in an office, and had a childminder for the kids but have since September started working as a freelance and building up my own business. For other people that don’t know my situation i would look like ‘a stay at home mum’ or for those that know i am an expat (Albanian living in London) they could be thinking i could be a lady of leisure. But my answer to all of them is that i work from home (part-time) and i also look after my kids before and after school. That is a lot to keep my busy and those that want know more about it, can come over for a coffee – not during my working hours though… lol
    Nice to read your blog and thanks for visiting, laura x

    • admin
      16th October 2017 / 13:43

      Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. My biggest point is whose business is it anyway?! If you want to be doing that then good for you and if you don’t then you should fee empowered to change your situation. What worked for me mightn’t work for you and vice versa. And that’s ok!

  5. 16th October 2017 / 22:58

    Yes, it’s a funny position to be in, isn’t it? Getting a family settled in a new country is a huge amount of work. I’m lucky enough to have kept some freelance clients, but it probably looks like to others that I’m not doing much! There isn’t a big expat community where I live, so I don’t have to explain myself much, thankfully!

    • admin
      19th October 2017 / 14:55

      I’m loving the fact that the next time we move I can just pick up my blog and take it with me! The digital age is a huge help but there is still the perception that it’s not a “real” job!

  6. 17th October 2017 / 03:00

    wow this really resonates with me because (no ex pat ness unfortunately) I am trying to figure out how and if and when and what I want to do in terms of formal employment vs staying home with the kids. I can tell for you an issue is not maybe being ABLE to work in your new country. For me its that I dont want to work full time and be totally gone, but anything part time would pay so poorly and still require some shelling out for childcare (plus gas, new clothes, etc) that its just not worth it. Its so hard. Plus I like staying home. And every once in a while there is alcohol at lunches. no shame in that game!

    • admin
      19th October 2017 / 14:52

      To be honest its a bit of both. I could work here but the logistics of it mean that it would have to be my dream job for it to be worth the extra expense / hassle / mummy guilt… I know some people who have gone back to work and are losing money on it but it is an investment for them to stay current in their industry and / or they just don’t want to be SAHMs and / or they are keen for their kids to get the socialisation and structure offered by a nursery so their job is subsidising this. Its hard to tell if all these explanations are defending ourselves to others or to ourselves… either way it shouldn’t be necessary!

    • admin
      19th October 2017 / 14:53

      PS I am so glad this resonated with you – thank you for the feedback!

  7. 17th October 2017 / 07:41

    I feel you so much! I am an expat living in California currently and I am not allowed to work on the visa we’re on. I’m a trailing spouse and I am constantly having to walk that fine line between considering myself lucky that we, as a family have this amazing opportunity, and dealing with my own identity crisis. Being a stay at home mom was never my plan and suddenly being at home full time with a toddler in a place where I didn’t know anyone and I was missing all my friends and family was really hard. I feel guilty that I am not as grateful as maybe I should be, but I definitely wouldn’t call myself a lady of leisure.

    • admin
      19th October 2017 / 14:43

      Its so hard isn’t it. But I figure being lucky doesn’t mean we can’t have bad days or that people can’t make assumptions about us that are wildly wrong or inappropriate! Maybe I need to set up a Ladies of Leisure group lol

  8. Adeeba Jafri
    6th March 2018 / 07:23

    Great post and so relevant to that feeling of inadequacy that all expat women (and some men) go through. I hate it when someone from my home state asks “So what do you DO?” And my response has become “You mean, what do I NOT do??!”

  9. Bil
    6th March 2018 / 15:26

    I followed my Husband from Singapore to Cambridge UK. I was previously employed in Singapore . It’s been 6 months since we moved to Cambridge and I have still not found a job and I don’t have a baby . My Husband is not ready for a baby inspite of being married for 5 years . All my friends when they call me they always think that I am enjoying sitting at home doing nothing which is not the case . I feel very Low and disheartened as inspite of being qualified and experienced I am unable to find job and I feel stuck in my life. Everyone else is doing well . My friends are paid well they have carrers and kids . I have none:(

    • 7th March 2018 / 09:43

      My heart goes out to you Bil. The expat wife role is a lonely place to be and it is hard, hard work. Keep persevering. You WILL find your balance again. It took me a few years if I’m completely honest but eventually I found this blog and I love it. Keep trying new things and you will get there. Go out and look for your tribe. They are out there looking for you too! Once you find them, expat friendships will run deeper than you could ever imagine. It takes a huge amount of energy and perseverance but it is totally worth it. Go out, meet people, say yes to invitations. It will be worth the effort! feel free to message me privately ( if you need a whinge. I’ve been there and done it several times. I know you can do it. xx

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